Thursday, April 30, 2009

Guilt.

You often read blogs I post about how much I love motherhood. However, what you don't see is how long I take trying to word what I want to say, which still never ends up the way I would like for it to. When writing the blog about Kristin having Payton, there was so much more I wanted to say about all the great things Kristin is about to experience. However, I stopped myself. I often do this because I know I have old co-workers and friends who read my blog who desperately want a child and would make wonderful mothers, but are unable to have a child for various reasons.

I have been there. I understand. I hated, but smiled at pregnant women. I hated sitting through teacher-parent conferences with parents that didn't even care about their child. During that period of my life, there were so many daily things that I did that reminded me that I had fertility issues.

There were so many times I would hear a mom complaining about their child and inside I was telling myself "if she only knew what she had...."

Kellie Rasberry from Kidd Kraddick in the morning went through fertility treatment during the same time I did. Her daughter, Emma Kelly, and Jackson are 3 weeks apart. I always read her blog, but then she started to annoy me. She talked about Emma Kelly some, but talked about the party scene more. I know a lot of her fans were people with fertility problems, so it just annoyed me because surly she knew she was acting like one of "those moms" that rubbed infertile people the wrong way. Maybe she did still have them in mind. Who am I to say.

As the reader, you don't know. Just like my readers don't know how long it takes me to write a few sentences about motherhood while trying to keep my readers with fertility issues in mind.

Tonight I came across this video on another blog and enjoyed it. For some of you that found this blog to be annoying, you will find the video to be annoying as well. However, I know others will be able to connect to it. Yes, as you all know, I love being a mother, but yes, I still know the heartache others feel when they know they have a fertility issue. For that reason is why I never brought Jackson in to see my fertility doctor after delivering him even though my doctor told us to bring Jackson by for them to see. I know the emotions in that waiting room, and I couldn't walk through those doors with a newborn baby to show off. I just couldn't face those couples and I never did.

On a lighter note, for those of you that didn't know we went through fertility with Jackson and are asking yourself if maybe that is why Jackson and Garrett look so different. Nope. They are both 100% Kelli and Aaron which would make them 100% brothers. Promise. :) I sometimes think that maybe Garrett isn't my child, but that wouldn't make a whole lot of sense.

4 comments:

Monica Jackson said...

I feel like I'm posting left and right over here... That was such a good video. I had to look up Kellie Coffey after I watched it, and I was so happy to read that she now has two kids :) That made my day!

Mrs. Ruggiano said...

For the first time in my life, I am so emotional! And, I did not plan on crying today...thanks! Haha! That was sweet.

Mama Weir said...

Ahhhhh!! Kelli - you wouldn't believe my tears right now...Shelly should know how emotional I got over that one. Great.

Karen Cupcake said...

I have seen it before and I still bawled all over again!

You know.. bob and I tried for a long time for a baby for him.. and I guess I was just too old. :O(