Since the passing of Melvin, I put my emotions to the side and focused on Aaron. He needed me and I wanted to be his light. There were/are lots of things that needed to be taken care of on the paperwork side of things that I have just been doing so that Aaron doesn’t have to and he can focus on other things. However, this week as I am doing things I am finding myself filled with guilt and anger.
Why didn’t we see Melvin more? Why didn’t we invite him over more often? Why do I not have a picture of him holding Garrett? I hate the fact that Aaron has lost a parent. Chances are, we will probably all lose our parents, but Aaron wasn’t ready to lose him yet. I am mad at myself. I know Melvin had his “wild side,” but he had a big heart and why didn’t I…..I don’t know how to end that sentence…I shouldn’t have done something, but I did nothing. Why didn’t I suggest to Aaron that we all take a drive to go visit him? I am sure Aaron suggested this to me and I am sure I said no because we had too much going on. As weird as it sounds, at times I get mad at Melvin for dying at the age of 56. Jackson, Garrett, and Mady will not remember him. He still had a daughter to walk down the aisle one day. Aaron is too young to lose his Dad, and Michael and Heather are younger than Aaron. They shouldn't have to do this!
My list goes on and on….but it is mainly regret.
I think this is probably normal. I hope it is. Wednesday will be 2 weeks. We literally have been going non-stop for 2 weeks and things are still not done. I wish I could just put Aaron in a little bubble to protect him from anything else going wrong. (oh yeah...Aaron got a flat tire coming home this weekend from packing up his dad's house...LOVELY) However, we still have 2 sweet little boys to take care of….one that is turning 1 next week! As of tonight, I made a commitment to myself to just stop. It can all wait a day or two. After dinner tonight, we went out for ice cream and then I ran into the fabric store. I have been wanting to recover our kitchen chairs for awhile now and I figured now is a GREAT time to use a staple gun! Such a stress reliever! I covered 3 chairs tonight and will finish the other 3 in the morning. 
I need to re stain the chairs, but that will have to wait for now. (Oh, and notice the new tile. Yeah, remember that was being installed the week Melvin passed away. Not fun.) Then I am playing with the boys all day and during their nap I am going to bust out my sewing machine and get a little crafty for Garrett’s birthday party! I am predicting by tomorrow night I will be good as new! However, by looking at the clock right now I think I am going to have to start my day off with a strong cup of coffee.
The Polar Express
6 years ago
4 comments:
Good job on the chairs!! You have become quite the craftster (not a word.. but I am making it one)!
P.S. love the new page too!!
Kelli,
Stop being so hard on yourself! You are a good person, with a good heart who is doing her best for her family all of the time. I think a natural part of grief is regret and anger and I am glad to see you are being creative to relieve your stress! I am on Spring Break next week- I will come out and help!
HEY KELLI I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ITS OK TO FEEL THAT WAY ... BUT JUST KNOW KNOW MATTER WHAT DAD LOVED ALL 4 OF YALL. HE TALKED ABOUT YOU GUYS ALL THE TIME. HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME HOW U WERE THE PERFECT WOMAN FOR MY BROTHER.HE THOUGHT AARON COULD WALK ON WATER , HE WAS SOOOOO AMAZED BY JACKSON AND VERY PROUD THAT GARRETT LOOKED LIKE A JORDAN..ME AND HIM HAD BEEN TALKING ABOUT GARRETT BIG 1 COMING UP WHAT TO GET HIM .HE WAS SOOOOOO EXCITED THAT HE WAS GOING TO HIS LIL GRANDBABIES HE ABSOULTLY ADORED ALL 3 OF THEM.HE LOVED ALL OF US .
PS. THE CHAIRS LOOK REALLY GOOD!
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